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A few e-mails I received from Frankie when we first started training.
Today... Day 1, Alli revealed the true meaning of total muscle exhaustion.
The TRX workout began with these harmless looking bicep curls, followed by decline back rows that had my biceps screaming for escape in no time flat! (3) sets of (12) and I was ready to cry, literally.
(3) sets of (12) incline TRX pushups and tricep cable pulldowns. This set ended in serious grunting.
Then it was on to the treadmill for (7) grueling minutes! Walking for 3 min ran for 1 minute at 5 30 seconds at 5.5 at which point I almost flew into wall like a mosquito, then I tried to punch Alli in the face but missed. @ 5 for 30 sec and then I walked for a minute then repeated.
Then did two sets of 6 suspended feet TRX Pushups which ended up in my collapse eating the rubber floor.
We proceeded to abs, 60 crazy ass weight ball reachy sit-ups' fuckin deadly leaving me a crumpled mass of dilapidated jello on the gym floor.
Finished with (5) minutes of stretching and it was all I could to stand up!
Well, I have a new zeal for life as Alli Ross has pushed me to the brink of death on Day 2.
She explained how far my heart is from my large leg muscles and how desperately hard my heart has to pump to get blood all the way down there. Because I was confusingly out of breath after the first set of (12) followed by a muscle numbing climb up and down some stairs.
I also realize how shockingly strong those Navy Seals are as (1) leg squats are quite possibly the hardest move on the planet.
Reminder to self, spandex to skin rides up as my ass was hanging out a little more than I'd like.
The ab bench truly took me as close to death as I'll get before the big day as Alli explained how "core" exercise reps needed to be increased to (15), like (12) isn't too many already!! As well as (4) sets as (3) might give me some chance of not being a cripple in the days to come.
On a positive note, the 5 minute exercise bike warmup was stellar as was the Strawberry Banana protein shake after the most gruelling and painful hour I've ever paid money for!!
Bring on lunch, a massage and a gurney as I think I'd like to be pushed around horizontally until tomorrow!!
I'd like to explain days 3&4 simply but as I couldn't straighten my arms or sleep through the searing tendon pain typing didn't seem possible.
The day started with a crash as my new T Rex gimp arms lost grip of my iPhone and completely smashed the front screen!
Our workout started with my first attempt at an elliptical machine. After quickly learning to prevent my knees from locking which is actually a little painful but far more likely to result in my body being vaulted skyward and over the upper level railing as I pummel towards certain death by impalement on the equipment below, I actually found a fluid motion that was neither painful and seemed sustainable. Unfortunately, it made me look and feel like a gay buck deer with my ass bouncing up on just the angle needed to attract a fellow male's attention, nice. The party was soon over as my heart started to thump, lungs screaming for more oxygen, and as always with dominatrix like command, Alli had pushed me to a new limit and the work was on like Donkey Kong!
We then did some calf work or was it abs. Abs again brought me near death as the extra reps and set really really tear ya a new one each and every day! Realizing a hole in my back on my tailbone was forming Alli brought in the bosu and double mat fold to aid my pain and I just kept thinking of those darn Navy Seals and how much pain someone can endure.
Back to the calf deal, upper and lowers got stretched, very cool. Alli set up a calf dip step lift deal and thankfully my hammies held the weight without snapping and that impending gut wrenching cramp of the whole muscle was narrowly escaped!
Then it was on to the only muscle group we hadn't decimated, the good old boulders! (shoulders to those regular humans) (3) sets of presses and another (3) of lifts and my shoulders felt like my silly face looked in the mirror as I grimaced my way through those last few reps.
Over, shake time, yay!!
Now day 4, today. Sleep-in was sorely needed and I felt much better after the extra rest. Everything on my changing body was still tender but the downright pain was gone.
That exuberance was pretty short lived as the stair master that I'd so fondly watched perky girl's bums so nicely bounce became my new dictator of death. Alli aptly lied like a professional when I repeatedly asked how much of the twelve minutes were left as my body reminded me that a) how much of an ass I DON'T have, and b) how close to death and complete collapse this machine was capable of rendering me.
Now some nice stretching (TOTALLY my favorite part of any workout) my quads were feeling unbelievably tingly as I didn't realize how tender they were too!!
Now for some more abs. I can't believe I'm saying this, but hiring a hot trainer is a must. As Alli rocked her outfit I just couldn't say no and after rep after rep after rep I think I'm as close as any man to ever walk the earth in understanding just how much childbirth hurts!!
Now, like I'm a frikkin' authentic Navy Seal, Miss Alli just wants to "try" a few bosu balance pushups. Again, my ultimate limit is reached as (6) reps times (3) takes a few attempts as my last (3) are bitch ups on my knees as the weight and my lack of muscle endurance are just too much to bear!!
Down to the floor and a new machine which with weights and your own bodyweight is a killer chest press. Sets of 8 were causing a whole new sensation in my chest as Alli rope a doped me into thinking my arms were spent by standing on my foot pegs!!! Sneaky. It was great to find out what the searing heat on the inside of your pecs feels like just before you pull so hard you blow your pec clean off your body through your shirt like a bullet through butter as you try to stop the bleeding watching someones skull being JFK'd by what used to be AT&T he'd to your chest. Enough said, it was hard.
Oh good, time up, saved by the bell. Dinner time!!!
God bless the gift of life and although Steve is gone, Alli is alive and well reveling in the pain and joy she gives to others. Lucky me.
Day started well, up and awake pre 6am so when Alli called I was WIDE awake.
Nice shower, threw on my gym stuff, remembered my TRX, grabbed a water with NEURO and things were looking up!
It was nice to be on time for Alli as I've struggled most of the time to be there on time.
K. Fun over. On the bike now pedalling at Mach 14 trying not to explode my lungs or legs. The good news was my weiner/ass nether area didn't suffer the prickly sleep symptoms of past bike rides so I could actually stand and not feel like a eunich after riding!
On to the TRX we went as Alli cruelly had me do some atomic pushups and hamstring pulls that were unquestionably the hardest exercise I've done to date. My abs were ripping and I felt sick whilst my left shoulder creaked on the verge of coming apart. Fun! I can't believe how hard my heart pounds during this and how hot and sweaty you can get but thankfully I had some appointments and we got the hell outta dodge before Miss Allie found another fun way to take me to the threshold of pain and anguish.
After a good night's sleep I was really looking forward to the gym today. The weeks been pretty smooth for working out and despite some knee leg abs and shoulder pain, not unbearable.
Alli and I arrived at almost exactly the same time and I was blown away by how sparkling and bubbly she was! What a girl.
Upon confirming full moonage and the alignment of 11's today it was on like donkey kong!
Upstairs my world was immediately rocked as the bikes were out and it was on to the elliptical.
I HATE the elliptical.
After several confirmations from Alli that I didn't look as gay as I felt, I tried to do what is without question the most non human of motions possible as me knees felt like they were going to lock up and send me flying into the rafters!!!
Alli was bubbling away in positive chatter but I really felt death was near so I tuned out, closed my eyes and tried to focus on breathing and the motion, imagining I was on a different planet doing something that my multi-limbed alien body was made for and for a few moments, it worked! I felt like I was immersed in fluid, floating zero grav feeling calm and less strained somehow like a dolphin/silverback no pain like a baby. It's amazing the euphoric moments midstride in a set or cardio run . They don't last long, but it's a feeling that's hard to beat.
Back to reality, we are 13 or 14 minutes in and the party's over, I'm dyin' Alli knows it, I may not look gay but it's all I can do not to let my whimpering rise to a level where the whole gym is laughing at me. Alli says it'll be over soon 737 times until I realize it's a tactic to get me not to stop. I slowed down a couple times and was glared and threatened with violence so I plu ghee through. When Alli said I was only last 30 secs a HUGE smile emerged and. My hips started swinging like a teacup spinning no pain, coulda done it for an hour! I was so happy this journey to another planet was finally over. I climbed off the machine and enjoyed the stillness not moving for 15-20 seconds, happy to be alive!
God I love stretching after cardio. Undoubtedly the BEST part of any workout.
Downstairs we went and I honestly had no idea what part of my body was left not already destroyed and tired from the week. She found it, my back little muscles and stuff, pullbacks that worked some cable between my shoulders I never knew I had, my lower back on some weird machine and then belt my knees and put melted glass in my ass some ab knee pull-up ab deal that redefined my definition of HOLY MOTHERFUCKIN FUCKHAMMER!!! I YELLED on the first set and then realized that Alli was pissing herself laughing at my screaming shrieks and I just hadda stop midset as I'd clearly been led to believe that this working out thing was really just beginning. Rotated between lower back and strap in. Never yelled so much in my life on a machine and if not for Alli Ross I was so jumping through the fucking window and driving my truck until it ran outta gas....
It just keeps going, pullbacks on another new machine, I'm just happy to be alive at this point, so happy that the torture is bearable.
Then dessert, this lock and load shoulder lift that I'm built for! 60lbs nothing, Alli gets it, 70 lbs, nothing, final Yama nine I'm built for. 90 lbs, nothing, 110 lbs easy. I could have blown the stack and the truth is, I was just so frikkin happy Alli's perfect torso and smiling face ( read: awesome boobs ) were right in front of me and man was I glad.
Rotator cuff pulls to finish and I feel good. My torso feels like titanium and I've had by far one of the best hard core workouts this life of mine has ever experienced.
All hail Alli Ross!!!